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I’m sure you’ve heard the advice to keep up a positive attitude, keep taking action, “release the limiting beliefs that are holding you back”, discover how happy and resilient people think and change your thoughts to be like theirs, etc. etc.  And that’s worth a third “etc.”, because there is an abundance, no, a glut, of such advice out there.  It seems to be the latest thing in psychology.

I won’t lie that small actions (e.g. “I’ll just go for a walk for 10 minutes”) can get you through those feeling-like-concrete phases.  And seeing a new perspective on something (change in thought or belief) can free things up a little, at least temporarily.

But what about when it feels like you are repeatedly dragging, or slowing down, or the risks you are taking are not getting any easier (unlike the typical situation where practice makes you more comfortable with it?)

Or you are noticing a tendency to find something wrong with and reject all the advice that people give you on what to do?

Maybe it’s time for a constructive tantrum.

Ask yourself, what are you sick and tired of doing, trying to do, or feeling like you have to do? 

No rationalizing out of it by saying “that’s just the way it is, and I have to accept it”.   We are talking about telling the unvarnished truth about your feelings, here.

It sounds a little backwards, but I’ve done it to positive effect.  It seems to release energy and allow for new perspectives, or creative synthesis (resolving two things that you previously thought were contradictory, opposite, either/or).

Here’s an excerpt from Barbara Sher’s book Wishcraft, in the chapter entitled “Hard Times”:

“Now, little by little, if you can – and you almost always can – start having fun with your negative feelings.  Exaggeration, self-parody, melodrama, defiance, and obscenity are all useful weapons, and anything is a fair target:  yourself, me, your goal, mother, flag and country.  ‘The truth is, I hate studying.  It bores me and I can’t concentrate and I hate you for suggesting it.  I like things fine just the way they are.  I’m too lazy to bother with all of this.  I think I’ll eat a lot of chocolate and get fat.’  Say anything, as long as it’s a mean, miserable complaint with some punch to it. 

Did you notice that your energy level went up?  Does your goal suddenly look a little less impossible?  You haven’t solved anything yet.  The strategic problem is still there.  Your doubts are still there.  So why are you laughing?

Because you’ve dug down through all those heavy layers of ‘I can’t’, and struck a defiant gusher of ‘I don’t want to and I won’t.’  Depression is an energy crisis, and negativity is energy – pure, ornery, high-octane energy.  It’s just been so repressed and tabooed that we’ve forgotten something every 2-year-old knows:  how good it is for us to throw a tantrum.  We’re all such good little girls, such brave, stalwart little boys, such polite little children – and inside everyone of us is an obnoxious, exuberant little brat, just squirming to be let out.  I’ve got one.  So do you.  That brat is your baby, and you’d better love her, because you ignore her at your peril.”

Did you identify what you are sick and tired of, or refuse to do?

Now, acknowledge it to yourself, or to someone else. 

If you say it to someone else it is very important, obviously, not to surprise them with it, rather to explain to them exactly what you are doing.  Tell them you don’t want advice or for them to feel they have to help you fix it.  This is not about solving the problem.  It is about listening to you rant until you are finished, and maybe even cheering you on.  Barbara Sher’s suggestion on what to say:  “This is Hard Times.  I’m mad, nervous, fed up, and for the next five minutes I’m going to go totally bananas.  Don’t pay any attention to anything I say.  You can stick your fingers in your ears if you like.  It will all be over in five minutes.”

Try it and let me know how it goes.

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